I just finished watching a television show about Bigfoot and no I don’t mean the monster truck. I mean the bi-pedal ape-like creature that some people claim is roaming around in the woods. This particular show claimed that proving Bigfoot’s existence would be the “find of the century” and worth really big money to whomever could produce one. Well it got me to thinking that I could use some really big money, not to mention the fame and celebrity status that would go with such a feat. I think that I am grounded enough to handle being a celebrity and besides if the paparazzi ever got too annoying I could just disappear into the wilderness for a little while until Sister Wives or the Alaskan Bush People or George Clooney did something to divert attention off of me. I figure I could be back in time for lunch.
There are basically two schools of thought in the Bigfoot existence proving camps, the first is the no-kill philosophy which proposes pure scientific study of the creature in his/her natural environs and the second is the bring in a body and then rub the nay-saying scientists and skeptics noses in it forum. I believe that I would rather attempt to split the difference between the two camps by bringing one in alive, study it briefly in laboratory conditions and then return it to the wild from whence it came. This is a perfect compromise with both camps and should satisfy everybody. Well, maybe not everybody; the Bigfoot may not be particularly partial to it, but at the present time he doesn’t have a vote and should just come along quietly. On the face of it capturing one alive seems like a fairly simple and straightforward plan but for some reason I keep getting these images from the movie King Kong running through my head which makes me wonder if it’s really such a good idea after all and if I should even attempt it. Then I think of the fame and fortune thing again, along with the fact that I do not intend any harm to come to my Sasquatch (I hope that he feels the same way towards me) so I figure that if I’m careful it should be just fine. ( Ever the optimist!) Also, by proving his existence, I can help to ensure the protection of the species… so you can see that it is really a very magnanimous gesture on my part. Wow, I might even win a Nobel Prize or tickets to the State Fair or something! Okay, I’ll do it! All things considered, I firmly believe that catch and release is definitely the best way to proceed in my quest.
But now that that has been decided, my question is how exactly does one go about capturing a creature that is reputedly elusive as smoke, as large as an outhouse (apparently smells like one too) and possesses the strength of a refugee from Krypton? I’m pretty sure if I could only get him to eat some of my mother-in-laws spinach and cauliflower casserole it would incapacitate him for a good eighteen hours at least. But I doubt whether even a smelly old Bigfoot would be able to get past that stench, I know I can’t. Also, depending upon what the later laboratory examination determined as to what type of species it actually turned out to be, that casserole might be considered cruelty to animals and if I got the portion wrong could even prove to be fatal. No, I have too much respect for any creature to subject it to something as horrible as that. Hmm, how about if I use a tranquilizer gun and shoot it from a safe distance? Only problems are: 1. How do you calculate dosage on an unknown animal that can easily turn you into a grotesque representation of a pretzel if you get it wrong? 2. What would be considered a safe distance? 3. Would Bigfoot misinterpret my intentions if he saw me pointing what he thought was a firearm in his direction and take defensive action? At the sound of the gun’s report would any other Sasquatch in the immediate area rush to the aid of the stricken Bigfoot and exact vengeance upon what they perceived as the rather ill treatment of one of their fellows? 4. Exactly how fast would the tranquilizer take effect? Would it drop the Bigfoot where it could be recovered quickly and easily or would it allow him time to make good a getaway, nurse his wounds, plot his revenge and perhaps even bring the conflict to my very own backyard? (Maybe Bigfoot society wants to study us too…)
Without knowing the answers to these rather important questions I think that I better pass on the tranquilizer gun for now and come up with a better alternative. This is getting more complicated by the minute…
Wait! I’ve got it! What about a bow? It’s fast, silent, and unlikely to provoke a violent response from Mister B should it miss. (He may just think it was a large, fast, weird bird that went whizzing by. Lots of strange things in the woods these days… I mean, we’re talking about Bigfoot, how much weirder and hard to explain can it get, right?) Okay, I really think that a bow and arrow may just be the best way to go. A good quality compound bow with at least a seventy pound draw weight shooting a heavy grain blunt-tipped arrow under fifteen yards with just the right shot placement should be able to knock out or incapacitate a Bigfoot long enough to… to… crap, what do you do with an eight foot plus animal that may weigh in at eight hundred pounds or more? Wow, I’ll have to worry about that later and think about it on the fly, because right now I don’t have a clue. I do hope something comes to me before I actually catch one though…
Some other very important questions are: How do I set up for the shot and maximize my chance of bagging a Bigfoot? How do I find the Bigfoot in the first place? Should I use calls or bait or both? Do I go with a ground blind or an elevated stand? If I elect to use an elevated stand, how tall does it have to be? Rumor has it that Sasquatch can get pretty darn tall. I can think of nothing that would upset my plans (or confidence) more than being comfortably ensconced in a tree-stand twelve feet off of the ground only to find out that all I’ve succeeded in doing is now looking directly eye to eye with the thing. (I’m pretty sure that I know which one of us is going to blink first… and require a change of underwear in the process) Jeez, the mere thought of getting trapped up a tree by an angry Bigfoot makes my butt slam shut tighter than Scrooge McDuck’s change purse. After due safety consideration’s I think that I’ll go with a ground blind, but not just any old ground blind; I’m talking a steel-reinforced concrete tornado shelter type ground blind with little custom arrow slit windows in the sides. The blind placement will have to be perfect though because I’m pretty sure that mobility is going to present a fair bit of a problem once it’s done. Although I have heard that Bigfoot seems to be curious about construction sites so that may help to draw them to me and actually work to my advantage. We’ll see.
The Kiamichi Mountains in Oklahoma are where I am going to set up shop because A, there are supposedly numerous BF sightings in the area and B, civilization is much closer at hand for transportation purposes than the more remote Pacific Northwest. (I would hate to get into trouble with the FBI and charged with kidnapping for transporting a Bigfoot across state lines if it turned out to be related to humans. However, it is somewhat doubtful that the Bigfoot would actually show up for the court date to testify… so I could probably get off on a technicality.)
That takes care of the where; now let’s look at the how. “Feel the Rush” and “Speak the Language” are the mottos for two of the biggest game call manufacturers, Knight & Hale and Primos. After looking at their product lines, while extensive and top-quality, I felt disappointed and in need of a translator because neither one of these great companies offer anything close to a commercial Sasquatch call. (Hey guys, here is a market niche that is untapped!) Due to the unavailability of a good commercial call, I guess that I’m going to have to go with my gut instinct and blast replays of Howard Dean’s 2004 campaign yell deep into the woods and hope for the best. (YAAAAAGGGGHH!)
I must admit that I’m a little unclear over the legality of bagging a Bigfoot over bait, not to mention the ethical issues involved. I realize that in some parts of the country baiting is not only acceptable but sometimes the only viable way of harvesting game animals. If you can’t bring the blind to the Bigfoot then you must bring the Bigfoot to the blind. So for the sake of this discussion let’s assume that baiting is the way to go. What in the world do you use for bait? Do you go for food or sex attractants? Or maybe something more practical… a huge vat of warm water with shampoo and flea dip could be just the ticket that turns a Bigfoot on. Their personal hygiene may be more a product of their environment rather than their personal choice. Perhaps when a Bigfoot is caught going through a camper’s gear what they are really searching for is some soap and deodorant. The reason that they are so reclusive may be nothing more than the fact that they are embarrassed by their horrendous body odor. Some people should take a lesson!
As far as sex attractants go, what could possibly smell sensual to such an odiferous creature? I mean, you know that their olfactory senses have to be on hyper-overload as it is so maybe the best scent to use is none at all. You would think they might appreciate any opportunity for giving their nose a break from the action. Makes sense and I’ll bet they’ll never see, er, smell that one coming now, will they?
What about food? What does an eight hundred pound gorilla-like creature eat? Anything it wants and probably lots of it, too! Let’s try and think like a Bigfoot for a moment, why would I want to go miles out of my way to get the very same food that I eat everyday? If I were a Bigfoot I think that I would be more inclined to try and sample something tasty yet unavailable to me in my normal forest environment. After taking this into account, for my Bigfoot baiting purposes, I’m thinking of using unwrapped granola-type energy bars with three or four breakfast burritos thrown in for good measure. (I figure if a Bigfoot doesn’t show up, at least I won’t go hungry while I’m waiting.)
After all my careful planning what happens if a juvenile Bigfoot or a female shows up? Should I attempt to capture them or hold out for a large male? I believe that in this particular instance when opportunity comes knocking (or hopefully comes strolling into camp), you should knock it out cold, hogtie it, and take it to a lab to study it for its own good no matter what size or gender. Now I feel that at long last I’m finally ready to attempt to capture my first cryptid. Oh yeah, fame and fortune here I come!
In the interest of historical accuracy I am keeping a journal documenting the project for the movies, television specials, documentaries and magazine and newspaper articles that I’m sure will likely follow the successful completion of my quest. The following are excerpts from that journal:
Saturday, October 11, 2014 12:53 p.m. – The construction crew is just finishing up my ground blind. As I am walking around the perimeter of my blind area, I am already rewarded with the sight of huge footprints! 5 inches wide by 15 inches long with some kind of weird looking ridges in them that looked oddly reminiscent to me for some reason. I knew that a Bigfoot wouldn’t be able to resist checking this disturbance of his area out! I gleefully show them to Glenn the construction foreman who has been a Debbie- downer and a doubting-Nellie over this whole project.
Saturday, October 11, 2014 12:58 p.m. – False alarm. After Glenn stopped laughing and caught his breath he pointed out that the prints in question belonged to Eric “Tiny” Phillips, one of the masons. Still doubtful and requiring verification I examined “Tiny’s”foot which was not an easy task at all as it was still encased inside of some rather rugged and stylish footwear. Grudgingly, I was forced to conclude that Glenn was probably correct as it certainly did seem that the prints were made by “Tiny”. It also answered the nagging question of why a Bigfoot would be wearing Rocky boots, which coincidentally is why the ridges in the prints looked so familiar. Oh well, it was an honest mistake.
Saturday, October 11, 2014 3:15 p.m. – Finally, the work is done, the crew is gone and I’m alone in the wilds. I wish that I could have gotten a little further up the mountain because every once in a while you can see and hear a big truck go down the highway but the construction crew and the scaredy-cat cement truck driver were afraid that they might get stuck and have to call in a recovery wrecker. After I once again postulated my concern about our close proximity to the highway and how I felt that no self respecting Bigfoot was going to consistently make his presence known in such an environment that they relayed the outlandish cost of a recovery wrecker of the size that would be needed if the cement truck got stuck. It was at this point the fear instantly became unanimous and I rapidly got on board with their decision. But I’m sure that it will be fine… just me, the trucks and the Bigfoot… feet… whatever.
Sunday, October 12, 2014 11:02 a.m. – Met with the camera crew that was going to document my hunt. I didn’t realize that they expected to get paid for this. I thought they were doing it like a documentary but as they looked around at the location they shouted (A truck was going by at the time) that they doubted that it would have any commercial value and asked for payment… up front!
Sunday, October 12, 2014 11:03 a.m. – Change in plan. Will document my own adventure with a disposable camera and sketch pad. Left granola bar on stump as bait, for some reason I’m not hungry anymore. This fame and fortune thing may be much harder than originally thought!
Monday, October 13, 2014 4:30 a.m. – Alarm clock is going off, signaling that it’s time to get up and start my odyssey! Hit the snooze button.
Monday, October 13, 2014 9:25 a.m. – Roll out of bed much refreshed after five min… Holy Crap! Realize that I didn’t hit the snooze button; I hit the “Off” button by accident. Throw on clothes, grab granola bars and run for Jeep. Make mental note to self to stop and pick-up more breakfast burritos.
Monday, October 13, 2014 11:45 a.m. – Finally arrive at “Sasquatch Central”, quick search reveals no tracks and granola bar still on stump. Great! I have beaten the Bigfoot here! Freshen up bait on stump and climb into blind to begin vigil.
Monday, October 13, 2014 4:08 p.m. – My bait pile keeps getting attacked by squirrels and birds, at this rate there won’t be anything left for a Bigfoot if it shows up! Unless the Bigfoot likes to eat squirrels and birds… in which case my plan is working perfectly!
Monday, October 13, 2014 7:16 p.m. – End of Day One. No Bigfoot sightings, but a carload of teenagers showed up right around dark because they had heard about my project. As they were driving off, I heard one of them exclaim something about “nuts”. I figured that they were referring to what I had been using as bait.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014 6:51 a.m. – Eureka! Upon my arrival at the site this morning, I discovered huge barefoot human-like footprints everywhere! They were eight inches wide and eighteen and a half inches long! I’m going to cast some of them as evidence.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014 8:32 a.m. – After completing the castings, I just noticed something very strange about these tracks. They are all left-footed prints! I wonder if someone may be trying to hoax me, either that or there is a one-legged Bigfoot hopping around out there somewhere. Wouldn’t that be crazy?
Tuesday, October 14, 2014 10:08 a.m. – Got a visit from two Deputy Sheriffs and a very irate property owner. It seems that my expedition must come to an end. Somehow, I have placed my blind on the wrong property… one in which I did not have permission to be on. The landowner has kindly consented not to press trespassing charges against me as long as I leave my steel-reinforced concrete blind here so that he may use it as a tornado shelter once he builds his house here. (Like I’d be able to move it anyway.) So far, my quest for fame and fortune has cost me $6,328.78 and I’ve come up dry with absolutely nothing to show for it.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014 11:10 a.m. – I’ve just finished packing up the Jeep and getting ready to leave. As I glance around the property for one last look, I spy a huge, eight foot tall, one-legged, hair covered, creature standing in the tree-line waving at me and eating a burrito. I snap his picture. When the film is developed it is discovered that I had my finger covering the lens. My middle finger, I was showing it to the Bigfoot…